My Happiness

Do you ever wonder why you're here? Why you're going through each day just to get to the next one? I grew up with all these big dreams and goals and I have accomplished none of them. Realizing this, I just have to wonder, should I keep pursuing these? Should I continue to have these dreams and goals? Or, should I just continue through this life day by day until I finally die and it's all over? What would it really change if I accomplish these goals, though? Is it just something to check off the list? Do I think that by accomplishing a goal that people will think I'm cool, or even just worth something? Or is it that I feel like I'm not worth anything because I haven't reached any of my goals?

I keep saying that I want to work with film scoring, but do I really? Is that just something that I've held on to because I can't imagine not having a dream? Because I can't imagine being happy with a lifelong career as an administrative assistant? Will being a score composer make me happy? No. Happiness, supposedly, comes from within. But then how do you get it? How do you find it, grasp it, and hold on to it? It's not something tangible that I can purchase or carry. It's inside me. Somewhere.

I lost my happiness in the past year or so. I posted a blog about how bad 2012 was, but 2013 topped that one by a long shot. Four deaths in the family and two family friends, continued stress for one sister, and heartbreak for another, working so much overtime that I began to get burned out, plus financial stress on my parents that had me saving money every month incase I needed to pay their mortgage. But these external events shouldn't really affect my happiness that much, should they? After a horrible week at work last week including one 17 hour day, two 13 hour days, and working on Sunday, I left on Friday night feeling like I'd let the entire world down. I felt that I just couldn't work enough to keep the office running smoothly. Everyone had to work so hard during our day-long event on Friday and I felt terrible that everyone else was so exhausted when it was over. I felt that I had not done enough, that I should have been more organized, worked more hours, and made it so that my co-workers didn't have to work so hard. Not only that, but the event was the same day as my Grandmother's funeral, which I was missing because I had to work. So, after everything that happened in the past year, this past week just topped it off. By the time I got home on Friday night, I felt like such a failure that I lost the will to live.

Luckily, I have friends close by who reminded me that there are people in the world who know me and still love me. Who think that I'm worth much more than I'll ever believe. But in the aftermath of this episode, I'm just wondering what I'm doing here. Am I here to help the people around me? Am I here to become a great film composer? Am I here to just go through the motions until it's all over? I don't know. I don't know the answers to these questions. But I do know some things. I know that there are people who love me and there are people that I love. I know that there is happiness and joy inside me. And, I know that there are some things that bring this happiness out. Playing tennis, Skyping with family and friends, listening to great scores, watching movies with great scores, helping others, traveling, and reading are just a few. I don't know if I should pursue music anymore. I don't know if I want to stay in Colorado. But, until I can figure those out, I just need to keep going and keep doing the things that bring out the happiness that is inside myself. I need to be a good friend, sister, and daughter, and be the me that everyone loves. I need to continue on this path called life and do the best I can with the obstacles along the path. There will always be these external events and trials that will wear me down. But life is worth living and sometimes you just have to remind yourself of that.

After going to my Grandfather's funeral last year, I learned how many people he touched. He never did anything great or really newsworthy, but to the people around him, he was everything. He was a rock to hold on to, a helper, a friend, a light in their lives that was filled with laughter and love. I lost three grandparents last year and each one of them will be missed by many, many people. Not because they did anything extraordinary, but because they lived their lives with happiness, patience, and love.

Most people never accomplish anything great. But that doesn't mean they're not great people. Life is tricky. Life is messy. But amidst the chaos, we can find love. We can find happiness. We can find light. We just need to be willing to look for it, even create it, and take charge of it.

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
-Martha Washington

If you want to be happy, be.
-Leo Tolstoy

My Change

I ended my last post with these two sentences: Don't just make a resolution. Make a positive change.

It's hard to make changes in behavior. We are so easily set in our ways, but it's no where near easy to set new ways. We might easily recognize where the changes should be made, but it takes patience, persistence, and a great deal of courage to make those changes come to pass. And sometimes, it might not be easy at all to see where the changes should take place. We might only know that we're unhappy, or unhealthy, or unfulfilled, but have no idea how to begin to make a change.

When I first moved to Colorado, I made a change. A very big change. I changed the entire course of my life. I changed what people I would meet, what churches I would go to, what activities I would be involved in. If I had stayed in Kansas City, my options would have remained the same as they had been for the past 14 years. Not that they were necessarily bad options, just the same ones. At some point I figured out that I needed more options, different options, a different life, in order to truly be myself. My friends and family knew that, although I was moving, it was still ME that was moving. And all my problems in KC would follow me to CO because these problems were inside me. The fear, the inactivity, the insecurity. They were a part of me, not a part of my location. I said in my journal "They think I'm trying to run away from my problems and they know that won't work. But, I'm not running away from my problems. I'm running into them! I'm facing them on my own."

My sister recently did the same thing. She moved out. She moved on. It really is one of the hardest things to do. It makes you question everything. Everything about yourself. Your thoughts, your fears, your actions and inactions. And it's hard in other ways, too. You have to figure out how to support yourself, where you're going to live, where you're going to work, who your new friends will be. You suddenly have so many choices to make, right down to which grocery store you will use. And these choices, even the small ones, help show you who you are. When you go through life with no drastic changes, staying near family and the friends you know, who you really are becomes rather vague. You just are who you've been and if you ever start to wonder, you just lean on the friends and family you've known and never learn to lean on yourself. I think it's very important to "break the cord" at some point. It doesn't have to be for long, but it has to happen. If not, you'll end up with a mid-life crisis wondering who you are and buying sports cars and boats to subdue your questions. It's hard on the parents to let their child go and not be involved in every bit of their life anymore. But the parents have to let go and let their child be themselves. Let them make mistakes and let them be distant so that they can figure out life on their own. Parents give their child a foundation, but they have to let the child build their own home.

My sister moved out six months ago and I'm so proud of her. My first six months in Colorado were hell, and her first six months have been worse than mine. Actually, it didn't really start getting better for me for over a year. In the first year I had made one friend, lived in a terrible apartment complex, and had a job I hated. I was still dealing with my fear, inactivity, and insecurity. I was still trying to figure out why I was alive and what life I was supposed to lead. My journal entries kept saying things like "I still feel like something's missing" or, "I'm so lost and confused." At eight months I had the most depressing birthday ever, and went home for Thanksgiving two weeks later. I had the most amazing time with all my friends and family, went back to my favorite haunts, and had some good barbeque and home cooking. I had such a hard time coming back to Colorado after that trip. I felt like I was on autopilot. I suddenly found myself in my car and 9 hours later I was back at my crappy apartment.

I really don't know why I stayed in Colorado. There are so many times I almost went home and I have no idea why I never did. I mean, it's a pain to move and expensive, too. But I don't remember ever making the decision to stay. I kept wanting to go back and just never did. For some reason, I just knew that my time here was not yet up.

And now, it's been three and half years. I still don't know where life is taking me, but I know that I am where I'm supposed to be. I don't know if I'll ever compose film scores. Heck, I don't know if I'll ever even work in the industry. But that's not what matters. What matters is that I continue to be true to myself. What matters is that I continue to live life the way God planned. What matters is that I continue to make positive changes in my life. That I continue to face my fears and look to the future. I don't know if I'll be in Colorado for the rest of my life. In fact, I don't expect to. But that one big change set off a chain reaction. These dominos that have been slowly falling into place. It takes a long time to figure it out, and I don't know if anyone ever completely figures out their life. But I needed to break free in order to find myself. And so did my sister.

I'm so proud of you, sissy. Continue to make these positive changes in your life. Don't let anyone control you, but take control of yourself. I don't know how long you'll be living by the ocean, but just follow your heart. Fight the fear, the insecurity. Don't let it overcome you. You are the most amazing person I know. You have been through more hardships than most people and yet you keep going. You are not running from your problems. You are running into them. You are deserving of the most incredible and beautiful life. Believe that. Believe in yourself. I know you feel like you've failed in many past endeavors. But I don't see them as failures. No one does. Only you. You are not a failure in any way. You are a fighter. You are a lover. You are caring and helpful and strong. And you are my family, my sister, my best friend.

You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.
-Jim Rohn

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
-Andy Warhol

My 2012

2012 was an interesting year for me...

--It started off by having to put my dog, Frodo, to rest on January 2. He was an amazing, loyal, and loving pug. He just couldn't breathe anymore. I had to make that hard decision to keep him alive for my own selfish reasons, or release him from his misery. I made the decision on new year's eve, and spent new year's day as our last.
--In March, I started running. With weak ankles, weak knees, and shin splints, it was not easy going. Many times I would twist my ankle and fall flat on my face when I was a mile away from home. My ankles would even give out as I was walking to my car after work. I tried four different knee braces until I found one for each knee. I bought compression sleeves for my calves to help alleviate the shin splints and couldn't even walk without pain if I didn't have them on.
--In August I moved to a new apartment. This was the worst move I have ever even heard of, let alone lived through. I found bed bugs in my old apartment just two days before I moved, and, of course, they moved with me. I spent six weeks sleeping on the floor while everything I owned stayed in the detached garage to be washed, dried, sprayed, and bug bombed. By the end, I had completely maxed out my credit card from all the supplies and regular moving expenses.
--In September I started RCIA - the Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults. I was really excited to learn about my faith, but as the classes went on I realized I wasn't really learning all that much. The information was so basic that I either already knew it, or it just left me wanting to know more.
--For Thanksgiving, I went to visit my Grandma and her husband, Dab. I was very happy to see them, and I also got to see my Grandad who I haven't seen in 8 years. But my Grandma can be rather controlling and the trip ended with me telling them my flight was leaving 3 hours earlier than it was, just so I could have some peace.
--I woke up Christmas morning with a bad head cold and, after Skyping with my family, stayed in bed and watched Bones the rest of the day. My Christmas dinner was a Stouffer's Frozen Entree.
--On December 30, my Grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Was there anything positive that happened in 2012? Yes.

--Although I miss Frodo, I still have my cat and I am thankful for her.
--After finding the right braces and accessories, I was able to run/walk three 5k's last year and I inspired my family and friends to start running as well. I was able to visit my family in September and we all ran a 5k together. That was such a wonderful experience and I loved having my family running with me that day. My mom has run two 5k's now and my sister has run four.
--Even though the move was horrible, I now live in a wonderful, clean, and happy environment. I have a new roommate who I get along with really well, and my complex has a free gym, hot tub, sauna, continental breakfast on Sundays, movie theater, ping pong, billiards, beach, lake, tennis courts, and four swimming pools.
--I was paired with a wonderful sponsor in RCIA who agreed that the classes were lacking. Not only have we become friends outside of class, but she got permission to teach her own private class to me and my friend so that we can learn and ask questions and continue to grow in our faith.
--Even though my Grandma can be difficult, I am very glad I went to see them. Family is important and I am glad I took the time to visit.
--Although I was sick on Christmas, it was really great to Skype with my family and they gave me wonderful gifts. My parents paid for a plane ticket so that my sister could come visit earlier in December. We had a FANTASTIC time while we ate at Carrabba's every day she was here, played games, watched movies, painted pottery, and just enjoyed being together. My parents also came to visit in early December and we had a wonderful time as well.

We're already 27 days into 2013. My Grandma's husband, Dab, passed away on the 14th. My Grandfather with cancer went into the E.R. on the 14th and had major surgery on the 24th. Because of big events at work and classes starting up, I've already earned three days of comp time this month. But, I got to see Dab less than two months before he passed and I got to tell him I loved him over the phone just hours before he died. My Grandfather is very strong and is doing extremely well after surgery, and my mom is able to spend a month out there with him. My sister will be moving in a few weeks to where my Grandfather is and although work is crazy, my boss wouldn't hesitate to give me time off to help her move and to visit my grandparents.

For every negative thing I just mentioned there was a positive side as well. You may not see the positive for a while, but it will show up eventually. I have many goals for 2013 and I don't want to let one step back eliminate all future steps forward. By focusing on the negative things, it makes it very easy to quit. 2013 is not going to be easy. LIFE isn't easy. But don't let that get in your way. Take the bad, find the good, and just keep going.

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus

Don't just make a resolution. Make a positive change.

How to Train Your Dragon

Score Review by Annie Wills

The composer – John Powell

Born in London in 1963, John Powell took up the violin at a young age. After graduating with a composition degree from London’s Trinity College of Music, Powell began scoring commercials and helped out on a few projects for Hans Zimmer and Patrick Doyle. Powell scored his first feature film in 1994 and moved to the U.S. in 1997 where he became a part of Hans Zimmer’s Remote Control Productions team along with other well-known composers such as Harry Gregon-Williams and Klaus Badelt. Here, he helped arrange music for The Prince of Egypt, and co-wrote Dreamworks’ Antz with Gregson-Williams in 1998. John Powell is known for his ingenuity and creativity and has written over 50 film scores including Happy Feet, Shrek (with Harry Gregson-Williams), all three Bourne films, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and all three Ice Age films.

The movie - Directed by Dean DeBlois and Chris Sanders, Produced by Bonnie Arnold

With directors who have worked on The Lion King, Lilo & Stitch, and Mulan; and a producer who produced Toy Story and Tarzan, you know this movie is going to be good. Nominated for two Oscars, this film is loved by many. Although on the outset it seems be a movie about a boy and his pet (very dangerous pet, mind you), it really is a movie about a father and son. This film has some wonderful characters, a fantastic script, and is full of imagination. The animation is wonderfully done and the lighting was created differently than most animated films. This beautiful film tells the story of a young Viking named Hiccup who is desperately trying to win his father, Stoick’s, approval. The best way to do this would be to kill a dragon, the Viking’s sworn enemy. After managing to down a dragon with a net, Hiccup finds he is incapable of killing it. Not because he doesn’t have the strength, but because he doesn’t have the heart to kill this frightened creature. Now having befriended a creature his entire village wants to kill, Hiccup struggles to be the Viking his father wants him to be. This movie will definitely make you laugh, and might make you cry. Entertaining for both children and adults, this is a story of strength, courage, trust and love.

The listening CD - Released by Varese Sarabande

This is a fantastic CD with plenty of activity to keep your attention through the end. The first five notes grab the listener from the start with their deep and awe inspiring melody, and from then on, the listener is kept wanting to hear more. This score is mostly written for standard orchestra, but adds some bagpipes and mallet instruments to show location and to add some variation.

The CD has been beautifully edited to include every theme in the movie, but takes out some of the smaller transitions, helping to move the CD along. There are a few parts that are on the CD but are not in the movie. A few seconds here and there throughout the CD will not be found in the movie, but the entire last track (The Vikings Have Their Tea) is not in the movie either.

The only song on this CD that was not written by John Powell is Track 14, Sticks and Stones by Jónsi, the singer of the Icelandic band Sigur Rós. The directors thought that Jónsi’s work is so “bright and infectious and happy” that they decided to ask him if he would be interested in writing a piece for the end credits. Jónsi watched the film in London while Powell was finishing up the score and had such a positive response to the film that he wrote Sticks and Stones in just a few days.

This CD has 25 tracks, in film order, and is just over 72 minutes long.

Track Number, Length, Title

1. 4:10, This is Berk

2. 1:55, Dragon Battle

3. 4:17, The Downed Dragon (0-0:48 not in movie)

4. 3:11, Dragon Training

5. 1:26, Wounded

6. 2:23, The Dragon Book

7. 2:06, Focus, Hiccup!

8. 4:11, Forbidden Friendship

9. 2:48, New Tail

10. 3:54, See You Tomorrow

11. 2:36, Test Drive

12. 1:13, Not So Fireproof (0-0:39 not in movie)

13. 0:44, This Time For Sure (0:40-0:44 not in movie)

14. 0:43, Astrid Goes For A Spin

15. 1:57, Romantic Flight

16. 2:29, Dragon's Den (0-0:40 not in movie)

17. 1:11, The Cove

18. 4:29, The Kill Ring

19. 5:14, Ready The Ships (1:22-2:23 and 4:33-5:14 not in movie)

20. 6:19, Battling The Green Death

21. 3:05, Counter Attack

22. 2:44, Where's Hiccup?

23. 2:51, Coming Back Around (2:40-2:51 in credits only)

24. 4:18, Sticks and Stones (Jónsi)

25. 2:04, The Vikings Have Their Tea (not in movie)

The score

John Powell is known for variety and inventiveness in his scores and How to Train Your Dragon is no exception. Beautifully written and well crafted, this score is constantly changing in instrumentation, timbre, harmony, and many other ways. Powell used many smaller motifs that are mixed together throughout the film, hardly ever following the same pattern twice. Powell also used some specific themes in the movie. For instance, nearly every time you see Toothless (the dragon) or every time Toothless plays an important part, you will hear this beautiful, leaping, D2 sequence which changes in instrumentation, harmony, or rhythm each time you hear it to match the drama. When you first hear this Toothless theme, it is played by strings in octaves giving it this strained quality and depicting the fear in Toothless’ eyes (13:42 into the movie; Track 3, Downed Dragon, 3:15). The next time you hear it is when Hiccup attempts to befriend Toothless (29:15 into the movie; Track 8 Forbidden Friendship, 0:11). This time it is completely changed. Light, beautiful, syncopated at times, and played by mallet instruments and pizzicato strings. Another main theme in the film is the relationship between Hiccup and Toothless. The very first notes you will hear are of this theme, but it’s not heard again until Hiccup has to decide whether or not to kill Toothless. Here, Powell plays the first four notes in tight dissonance, and the fifth and final note in a major key. This is such a beautiful foreshadowing of what will come from this decision. The theme is beautifully realized in the end of the film after Hiccup wakes up from his injury in battle. At this point, Powell plays this theme in the piano. It’s the only time the piano is heard in the entire score and it is completely soloed. This striking contrast characterizes the simple love between Hiccup and Toothless. Although there is no source music in the film, Powell uses instrumentation to show time and place.

In watching the filmmaker’s commentary on the DVD, directors Dean DeBlois and Chris Sanders mention some of their decisions about the music for their film. In this commentary they talk about how music is so important to them, that whenever they create a film, they try to find places where they can eliminate dialogue and feature the music. Chris Sanders said: “It’s something that Dean and I learned a while ago. That we would try to engineer places in our films where we could just let the dialogue… just let it go.” Dean DeBlois continues this thought, “Let the music take over. We’re such fans of the scores of these movies, and to find, on purpose, to find places where the score can carry it. The score and the visuals. I’m very proud the fact that we have three places in this film where that happens.”

As mentioned above, there are a few times where there is music on the CD that is not in the movie. The filmmakers mention this in the commentary as some of the decisions that were made on the mixing stage. For instance, the first 48 seconds of Track 3, The Downed Dragon, are not in the movie. These 48 seconds were written to play under the scene where Stoick and his friend Gobber are talking about what to do with Hiccup and how to keep him safe (10:14 into the movie). In the commentary, one of the directors mentioned that “music is always there to deepen whatever the mood is going to be, but there’s a couple places where removing the music actually made that particular moment feel more serious, and that was one of them.” Another place where music was obviously written and not used is when Hiccup and his friend Astrid are talking about how to save Toothless from the Vikings (1:07:40 into the movie; Track 19, Ready the Ships 1:22-2:23).

These are just a few of the endless examples of ingenious, creative, and inspired work done on the underscore to How to Train Your Dragon. This wonderfully written score truly captures the life of this film, and leads viewers to the heart of its story.

My Excuses

Snow fell all night and all day. By late afternoon the snow had turned to rain, wiping away all whiteness. My day started off well. I got up, did my banking, paid my bills, backed up my computer, and headed to work in the wintry wetness. No time for a lunch break makes for a long day, but I got through it well enough. I walked the third mile to my car in the rain, wondering if it might be worth buying a parking pass one of these days. After I'd finished waiting for my car to warm up on this third day in April, I headed to the nearest Apple store to surrender my Mac Book Pro to those people in blue shirts they call Geniuses. I must admit, they are pretty genius when it comes to Macs, but I had no need to test their capabilities today; I knew exactly what I was coming for. My CD drive has been broken for quite a while now and it's about time I got it replaced. Oh, the joys of being out of warranty. But even with that obstacle, I couldn't put it off anymore. You see, I really need Logic Pro on my computer. I got Logic Pro as a Christmas present a few years ago (thanks, Mom and Dad) and although I installed it right away, I took it off a while back just to free up some space (47 gigs of space) on my computer. I didn't realize at the time that my CD drive would not let me install it again. My Dad recently wrote a workbook that comes with a CD of guided meditations and he asked me to write the accompanying meditation music. He finished the book five weeks ago, sent me the guided meditations three months ago, and now he wants to publish it. I don't want to hold him back so, hence the immediate necessity of having a working CD drive. Hungry and computerless, I came home from the Apple store (where they have shockingly few apples) and forced myself to go for a run. It's been five days since I've run and, boy, could I feel it. So I came home, had dinner and thought to myself "Let's see. I've backed up my computer, gone to work, sent my computer to be fixed, gone for a run, eaten plenty of tortellini Alfredo to counteract said run... All in all I've had a pretty good day. What should I do next?" I decided to continue my spurt of productivity by watching How To Train Your Dragon. It may not seem like a productive thing to do, but, for me it is. Even though it's been on my list of scores to review for quite a while, I hadn't seen the movie yet. I bought the DVD two weeks ago so that I could start the review process but I hadn't even taken off the wrapping. With my cat curled up in my lap, I sat there, glued to the screen. When the film came to a close, when the boy and his dragon soared up into the sky, I nearly cried. Not because the movie was that good, but because the music was. I sat there, scared into silence as the credits rolled by and thought, who do I think I am? Who am I to even review a score like this, let alone write one someday? I got up, took a shower and started to head to bed; the entire time thinking about that movie. Not only was the music good, but the script, the dialogue, the characters, everything was so well done. I started to think that maybe I could just be in one of those smaller roles like Mix Assistant or Assistant Music Editor but even that sounded daunting. What am I doing? Wait, what AM I doing? Nothing. Well, at least, mostly nothing.

A few of the students at the law school have been saying that they're not even going to apply for their dream job because it's so unlikely that they'll get it. I tell them that they're ruining ALL chance of getting that job if the don't apply for it. If they just apply, that opens up A chance. No matter how small, it's still worth it. I need to tell myself the same thing. I will never work with film scores if I don't apply myself. It's that simple. Practicing, studying, writing. Every week, every day. It's worth it just to open up that chance, that small possibility of getting there one day. How long have I put off writing? Yes, I've gotten better since I moved here, but it's still nowhere near enough. I've had my Dad's meditations for months and have finished one. One out of ten. I couldn't even get myself to watch the movie I wanted to study for two weeks. I'm too tired. I have too much to do. Watching Psych or Criminal Minds is more fun than studying and paying attention. I'm not even sure which project I should work on right now. I'm just not in the mood.

No more excuses. If I want this, even if all I want is the possibility, then it's worth it. It's always worth it.

"Try not. Do, or do not."

Yoda

My Life

I've just been reading over a few of my past blogs and have realized that quite a few of them are about trusting God and letting go. Even though it seems that I've learned this lesson over and over, I still somehow always find myself trying take the wheel while I sit in the passenger seat. I'm like one of those annoying back-seat drivers trying to tell God where to turn and when to slow down (or, more often, to speed up).

Two days ago, I was having a rough day. I was questioning the purpose of life. Why are we here? Is there really a point? I thought I was supposed to be married and writing breathtaking music around my rockin' awesome family by now. Is that ever going to happen? And, if not, then why am I here? I went to work that morning and my beautiful friend, Kristine, saw that I was having a rough day and asked if I wanted to eat lunch with her on the terrace. Come lunch time, we went down the steps and through the cafe to step into the glowing sunshine. We had barely sat down when she asked me, are you pro-life? Well, yeah, of course. Ok then, what is the value of life?

It was a question I wasn't expecting. We know it's wrong to kill, but why exactly? There's the obvious answer: because God told us not to. But past that, what really is the value of life? Is the value of life measured by success? Is it measured by failure? Is it measured by love, or hate? Is it measured by how many lives you touch, how many cities you've been to, or even how many breaths you take? Can you be good at life? Can you fail at life? No. To all of the above. The answer is much simpler than all that. The value of life is in the fact that God made it. He MADE it. He made you and me and all 6 billion people on earth. Sure, He made a lot of things. He created the mountains and the galaxies, too. But it's you and me that He loves and guides and carries through the life He gave us. Life is valuable because God lives inside us. Life is valuable because God loves us. And life is valuable because God died for us. We are here to love and be loved. We are here to live and work and follow Christ, wherever He might lead.

The next day, I received a phone call containing some very stressful news. I immediately reached out for that wheel, trying to turn into a different direction. I want to control this! I want to fix this! I went straight to Kristine and we went to the break room to talk and pray. The entire day was a blur. By the time I got in my car to drive home, I couldn't even remember being at work that day. But somewhere along the Diagonal Highway, I realized that I have to let go. We all have to let go. Didn't I just find that life is not measured by successes or failures? Didn't I just learn that life is valuable because God lives in us, and loves us and died for us? God MADE us. He's not going to let us fall.

Looking back over my life, I've done a lot of crazy and unplanned things. I bought a horse with barely any training and who hadn't been ridden in years when there were much better prospects out there for me to buy. She ended up winning Horse of the Month many times over at a therapeutic riding academy where she continues to help kids with disabilities learn to love. I up and moved to Disney World when I was 18 and discovered that the world is not such a scary place. I applied to only one undergraduate college simply because I didn't feel like taking the time to do the college search and it turns out it was the best place for me to be at that time. And the biggest jump of all, my move to Colorado. No friends, no family, no job, even my pets were left in KC. But when you follow God and let Him drive, He will guide you to a future you could not even imagine.

Life is valuable. All life is valuable. And even if I never end up writing breathtaking music or I never reach any of my goals, I know my life is still valuable and I will let God guide it to wherever I'm meant to be. Your life is valuable, too. And not because of your successes or failures, your joy or your scars. It is valuable because God made you and He loves you and He died for you. He will not let you fall. He values your life too much to let you fall.

My New Job

It's been almost six months since I've blogged and many, many things have happened. My second summer in Colorado was not as good as the first. I started to feel lonely and stopped enjoying my solitary hikes. I love seeing the beautiful scenery around me, but hiking up a mountain for four hours by yourself is rather boring. There's noone around to say, Hey, look at that flower! or, Man, this is steep! I only went hiking a couple times this summer and gave it up pretty early. Most of my summer was spent hating my job. I had the most unbelievably draining job and hated every second I had to be there. There were some perks, like how it was only half a mile from my apartment, how I could bring Frodo (my pug) to work with me, and my one co-worker, Jill. But the pay was barely enough to scrape by on, it didn't offer health insurance or hardly any vacation or sick time, and my boss was the most controlling, paranoid, egotistical and self-absorbed micro-manager you could ever imagine.

When my mom came to visit me in June, she said she was not leaving until I had a new job. So, while I was at work, she was on the web searching for new opportunities for me. She found a job opening at the University of Colorado at Boulder in the Law School. It was an administrative assistant position with complete benefits and about $5/hr more than I was making. I quickly applied and immediately started praying. Universities work very slowly, but a few weeks later, I got the email to come in for a computer test. The email said the test was over Word, Excel, administrative skills, and receptionist skills. It also said that the applicants with the top three scores from this test were the ones who would be interviewed. In the two days before the test, I sat on youtube and watched over 7 hours of tutorials over Word and Excel. I was not about to let a little test stand in my way of working at CU. A couple weeks after the test, I got the email that said not only did I make the top 3, but I received the top score of all the applicants. Four interviews later, I got the job.

I currently have the most incredible office job imaginable in a beautiful building with a view of the mountains from my desk. The people I work with are the most wonderful, happy and grateful people I've ever worked with. If I send an email to my boss telling him that some regular, daily task has been done, he always takes the time to write back and say, "Thanks, Annie! You're the best!" One time when I finished a report for him, I set it on his chair because he wasn't there. When he came back into his office, he saw the report and immediately left to come find me and give me a high-five. Everyone in the office is like this. The students are wonderful too. A little nervous these days because finals are coming up, but so happy we're here and grateful for what we do for them. On top of that, I've made new friends. Cynthia and Diane are the hysterical and fun Faculty Assistants I sometimes have lunch with. Kristine is another administrative assistant that I have come to love. We've gone to concerts together, dinner together, and I'll be going to her birthday party later today. Holly is one of the student Research Assistants I supervise and we have become inseparable. This job has also given me the opportunity to take up composition lessons again, something I couldn't afford with my old job. I can't tell you how incredible it is to work in such a safe and loving environment. But to have all that plus more pay, more benefits, and more friends? It is truly a God-send.

I am very happy with this new beginning, this new change in my life. It was scary at first. Yes, I hated my old job and it was draining every ounce of happiness out of my life. But again, it was something I was used to. I knew what every day would bring, there were no surprises to be had. Trying to get a job that was so highly competitive was something I'd never done before. I was afraid that once I got there, people would think, Oh, she's not what we were expecting. I was afraid my inexperience would come through. Not only do I know nothing about law or law school, but I am also the youngest full-time staff member in the building. But it turns out, they knew all about that and hired me anyways. They knew there would be some extra training time for someone who didn't know the difference between the appellate and supreme courts. Or who didn't know the different practice areas you could study or work in (who knew there was such a thing as space law?!) But as I headed off to my first day I did the same thing I did for each interview and every test. I said my own version of the Our Father. It goes like this: Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, Thy will be done, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven... Getting that perfect job or finding a new best friend are some of the many, many, many things that are out of our control. It's scary to be in that situation. But the best thing you can do, and really the only thing you can do, is trust God. He is the one holding each and every one of us in the palm of His hand. He won't let us fall. He knows our hearts and our desires and our pain more intimately than you could ever imagine. He knows the plans He has for everyone. And sometimes you have to go through the fire so that He can mold you into the person you need to be for the next step. You just have to let Him show you the way. When it's out of your hands, all you have to do is just let go and God will always be there to guide you. Look what He did for me. He gave me friendship, love, happiness, music, and passion. He can do that for you too.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My Mother

When I look back over my past few weekends, what I mostly see are images of people. Lots of people. About three to four thousand people to be be more precise. These are the people who go to mass at St. John's. Lately I have been going to all five masses throughout weekend. Not because I'm a saint, but because it's my second job. I'm putting my degree to good use by running the sound for each mass. The best part is that the console is in the balcony. This means that four of the five masses, I sit up in the choir loft in a dark little corner by myself and basically, watch. I watch the kids secretly coloring in the cracks in the pews, or the wife elbowing her snoozing husband. I started working there Palm Sunday but even before then I was up there for at least one mass a weekend singing in choir and playing the timpani. I've been to all the special masses like Christmas and Easter Vigils, or confirmation last night. But today, out of all the masses I've been to in the past nine months, something was different.

Today, almost everyone was on time, and almost everyone came to mass. Standing room only for 8:30 and 10:30. Even 7:00 was more crowded than usual. Today they did the kids liturgy of the word at two masses because there were just so many kids there. But also, everyone was dressed up. Even more so than Easter I'd bet. And on top of that, everyone was on their best behavior. No kids screaming, no one falling asleep, no one sticking gum under the pews.

This, to me, was one of the greatest examples of how important our mothers are. Now, I know that mothers can be annoying at times. Especially when you're young and you want to do is play in the dirt all day. But our mothers taught us many things.

Mothers are the ones who taught us to brush our teeth every morning along with many other hygienal necessities. (And yes, I realize that hygienal is not a word but that is one thing my mother never taught me. Although, I'm not sure the word hygienal ever came up during my childhood...)

Mothers are the ones who taught us to cook and clean and to take care of ourselves and others.

Mothers are the ones who taught us to respect others and to help those in need.

But mothers are also the ones who taught us to love.

Now, I'm not saying that dads don't teach us to love as well, but there's something about a mother's love that makes it seem so endless. This is the reason why mass was different than normal. These families all knew that going to mass and being good was something their mothers wanted. And because they know how much their mother loves them, they were determined to make this day everything she wanted, to show their love in return.

I'm sorry for those who don't have a mother, or those whose mother was not what she was supposed to be. I'm sorry for those who don't know what it's like to have a mother's love and to feel it with you wherever you go. I am grateful that I did have a wonderful mother. One who was caring and thoughtful, kind and loving. I wish I could be with her today to let her know that she did good, raising me. That I try to remember what she's taught me and that I will keep learning from her for the rest of my life. And I know she'll always be there when I need her help or even just a shoulder to cry on.

A mother's love knows no bounds. It molds us in to who we become. It encourages us to be the best we can be, it lifts us up when we've fallen.

I love you, mom. Happy Mother's Day.

My Story

I watched a movie tonight: It's Kind of a Funny Story. Yes, that's the title. It's a movie about this sixteen year old kid who discovers he is suicidal and commits himself to a mental hospital. It's a movie about learning to accept yourself for who you are, and not be afraid of your scars. I watched this movie tonight and I learned a few things about myself in the process.

One, I know I'm not perfect and I'm going to screw up.

Two, I will get depressed sometimes and I will always have regrets.

Three, I don't have to let these facts hold me down.

I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me. When I screw up, I just need to accept it and move on. I can't let my fears and my scars and my past mistakes (and future mistakes) commit myself to my own personal ward. I need to break free and accept my human imperfections and my OCD/perfectionist tendencies as one part of myself.

There were a couple more things I learned from this movie.

One, I am talented and unique.

Two, I have family and friends who love me and support me.

Three, I can let loose, read, skip, laugh, breathe, and live.

Don't let your mistakes or your fears hold you down. Life is worth living. It really is.

Live the life you have imagined. ~ Henry David Thoreau

My Year's End

Christmas is just around the corner. The new year will follow soon after. 2010 is quietly coming to a close. It was an interesting year. Somehow, it was one my most difficult years but also one of the most rewarding.

Many lonely nights I sat in my car trying to convince myself that driving home is not the right answer. Moving away from everyone I know. What was I thinking? It doesn't make sense really, what I did. I left everything. My family, my friends, my support group, my job, my teachers, my sister's home-cooked meals, and even my parent's Wii. It was all left behind so that I could, what? Eat mac n' cheese every night and live in a shoe box? No. It was left because it was my cushion. It was my comfort zone. Having all those things created this buffer around me so that I never had to think about anything. I never had to figure out who I really was. I moved here to tear off the mask and look in the mirror. It's the scariest thing I've ever done, but I would never grow without coming to grips with that stark reality. This is me. This is me. Oh my goodness, this is ME! I'm awkward and clumsy but I'm also talented and driven. I'm not afraid of who I am. I'm not afraid of who I could be, or who I will be. The future is vast and unimaginable. Full of choices and possibilities; full of failures and triumphs. But now I'm not so afraid of the failures that I'll ignore the possibilities. I'm not afraid of putting my soul on paper for fear that someone will reject me. Of course I'll be rejected. But not by every one. Not every time. And I know now that it will always be worth it to put yourself out there instead of hiding in a corner, afraid of what people might think. Scaring yourself into being someone you're not.

2010. It was a year for facing fears and for new beginnings. It was, overall, a year for going to the world and saying, here I am. Take it or take it because that's your only option.

Merry Christmas, my dear friends. Merry Christmas.

My Opportunities

A few months ago, I went to a church picnic. I was still trying to find the right church for me and was checking out different churches around town. Another Sunday rolled around and I went to this new church. New to me anyways, they happened to be celebrating their 128th anniversary that day. I heard there was free food at the celebration and I NEVER pass up free food so away I go to join in the party. They have this little information booth where you can enter a free raffle for a iPod or something (it seems like all raffles these days are for iPods). I start talking to the guy running the raffle and tell him I'm new to the area and am interested in joining this church. I ask him what kind of programs they have here and he directs me to Maggie, the choir director. I hadn't told the raffle guy that I was a musician, but this is the person he introduces me to. She asks me if I'm musical. I say, "Well yes, I'm a percussionist." At this point she starts screaming and hugging me and jumping up and down in circles. (Not exactly the reaction I was expecting.) It turns out the church owns a pair of timpani and they've been looking for a timpanist for almost two years. In that instant, I became a member of the church, a member of the choir, and their own personal timpanist.

So I bust out my practice pad and start going to choir rehearsals. During my second or third rehearsal, a fellow alto tells me that our pianist is a composer. But not just any composer, he was absent from rehearsal that night because he was rehearsing his new musical at one of Denver's most prominent performing arts theaters. So I build up some courage and catch him after one of our rehearsals. I start with, "I hear you're a composer." "Yeah." . . . Ok, now what? I'm totally fumbling the ball here. Just pick it up and run! "Uh, I kinda compose too sometimes..." Eventually I'm able to spit out that I would like him to look at my score and give me feedback. Of course he's a swell guy and is not nearly as nervous as I am and is happy to look at it.

Tonight I went to my favorite park to finish one of my favorite books: The Complete Guide to Film Scoring by Fred Davis. I read about three pages and suddenly, mixed in with the other joggers and dog walkers, there's this guy sitting on a park bench playing the congas. I start wondering if I should go talk to him. I mean, obviously he has his own congas so he's probably connected to some other musicians. Maybe he could be a connection. But seriously? You want to walk up to a stranger on a park bench and just strike up a conversation with him? Yeah, not really. But I decide that if he's still there by the time I finish my book, then I'll go talk to him. This was a favorable agreement. I had thirty pages left to my book and as my sister will tell you, I am a VERY slow reader. There was no way he would still be there. But once I get down to ten pages left I start counting down each page. Eight pages. He's still here? Six... Five... Oh my gosh he's still here. Three... Two... I give up. I read the last page, put my shoes back on and walk directly toward him.

"Having fun?" I ask. "Yeah, yeah" he replies with an accent that reminds me of the Jamaican Boblsed Team. I continue to shock myself by sitting on the bench next to him. I tell him I'm a percussionist too. He asks me where I play. I told him I'm not really playing right now (except for timpani in church) but that I'm actually working on becoming a composer. I hold up my book so he can see the front cover. His voice goes up an few octaves as he starts yelling "No way!" Again, not quite the reaction I was expecting. But, as before, there's a reason for the excitement. He's a film maker.

Every man is the architect of his own future. Go out and build yours.

Quote #5

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

My Saturday

I told my mom once, I think there are more dogs in Colorado. She replied, maybe people here just walk their dogs more. I've never known a city to be so active. Everyone is always outdoors: playing, riding, walking, jogging. Pedestrians always have the right of way (I think this goes for the entire state) and there are so many cyclists that they have their own lane. The sky is nearly always blue, it hardly ever rains, and the clouds change shape every few minutes. This city has 39 parks, 4 lakes, and a 5 mile long trail that runs along the river. It has dog parks, recreation centers, public pools, and gelato sold in almost every shop (to counteract the activeness of our city).

Today is Saturday. And what a glorious Saturday it is. This morning I took my pug to the dog park where he ignored every dog he saw and stayed right by my side, wondering why I was forcing him to interact with any species besides homosapien. I gave this up after a while, dropped him off at my apartment, and went to one of my town's many parks by myself. My park of choice is really just a big yard. No, it's not the yard for someone's mansion, it really is a park. It even has a paved trail around it's borders, although the park is rather circular in shape so I wonder if you can get dizzy if you run around it enough times. It also has one large shelter that is used for concerts and jazz festivals. But for the most part, it's just one big, green, grassy yard. I brought my book, walked past the trail and into the yard a few feet, laid on the ground and read. There were times back home when I would go to the lake and lay in the grass to read, but I got a lot of strange stares, and only did it a few times before I gave up. The thing about this place is, I wasn't the only one. There were six or seven people scattered around the "yard." Laying down or sitting, reading or sleeping or otherwise just thinking. Some were in the shade of large tree, enjoying the light breeze. Others wanted to soak up the sun and delight in its warmth. On top of that, people would walk to the park from their houses with their dogs or friends, and just, walk. Around the park. Just for the joy of being outside. I saw five or six people who came there to jog and exercise (I never got a chance to ask them if they ever got dizzy). There's nothing special about this park. You can barely even see the mountains above the trees. Why are these people leaving their couches and going to this bland park? Now you may be thinking, duh? This is what people do, right? They go to a park to be outdoors, to enjoy the weather, to play with their dogs. Yes, I agree. But this town, this rather small town, has 39 parks. It needs 39 parks to satisfy all its outdoorsy residents. 1500 acres of parks and open space.

It's no wonder I've changed since I've moved here. How can you not change when you see all these people enjoying their lives so much? How can you not change when you actually take the time to stop and smell the roses? Or in my case, stop to feel the wind in your hair and the sun on your face. My mom got me a mug the other day. (I happen to love mugs for those of you who don't know) This one said, "Do what you like. Like what you do." And I had to ask myself, why not? Why not go out and do what you love? Why not enjoy each sunny day? Why not stop to listen to the rustling of the leaves? To the birds singing? Why not climb a mountain? Why not travel to new places? Why not get up and explore this beautiful world we live in?

Someone once said, "The present is yours. Do with it what you will." Don't settle for anything less than your true potential, and always take time to enjoy the sunshine.

Quote #4

Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

My Ninety-Three Days

Ninety-three days. I've been in Colorado for ninety-three days. Has it been worth it? Ninety-three days away from family, away from friends, away from everything I know. My human interactions have been reduced to skyping and texting and some very long phone calls. I keep trying to go out - to do something I like to do, something I would normally do. I've gone out to eat by myself, I've gone to the movies by myself, I even tried to go to a concert by myself. All things I love to do, but they're the most miserable activities if you have no one to enjoy them with.

Tonight I went to "Rhythm on the River". It's a three day event in my new hometown with food venders, duck races, and three different stages where you can watch anything from dance groups, choirs, concert bands, country, rock, irish, bluegrass, and even a "strolling accordian/harmonica/djembe group". I knew this was something I'd enjoy so I got off skype, and headed to the river.

You know you're in Colorado when there's a sign in the parking lot for Free Bike Valet Parking. I laughed at the sign and walked along the St. Vrain River with high hopes for this event. It was a great place. Lots of food, people, tents, chairs, and a country cover band playing on the stage. I strolled around, talked to some vendors, signed up to win a free iPod, and then I left. There was no one to enjoy it with me. There was no one I could sing along with, get root beer floats with, or sign up for the duck race with. This event should have been fun. I should have loved it. I would have loved it. If I had someone here to love it with me.

I got home, laid in bed, and cried. Why am I here? Why am I STILL here? Is it worth it? Ninety-three days. What have I done in ninety-three days?

I've gone hiking. I've gone hiking at Chataqua in Boulder, and I've done four hiking trails in Rocky Mountain National Park. I've been to Alberta Falls, Gem Lake, The Pool off Cub Lake, and I've climbed to the top of Deer Mountain. I've explored the towns of Longmont, Boulder, Lafayette, and Estes Park. I've explored the St. Vrain Greenway walking trail, Golden Ponds, and Northshore Lake. I've gotten my own apartment. I've read Charles Dickens' Our Mutual Friend, Jane Austen's Emma, and J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan. I've eaten at new restaurants like Pinnochio's and Dickens' Tavern. I've eaten Indian food for the first time in my life. I've taken my dog to a dog park. I've jogged a half-mile. I've gone horseback riding. I've gotten yet another person to fall in love with the score to Blood Diamond. I've learned half of a new Beethoven sonata on the piano. I've studied Dvorak's 6th Symphony and Stravinsky's Petrouchka. I've started writing a passacaglia for string quartet. I've started transcribing Path to Heaven from the score to Kingdom of Heaven and am arranging it for marimba quartet. I've started working on a jazz band piece based on the Nat King Cole Trio's Sunny Side of the Street. I've been working on a theme and variations piece for full orchestra. And I've written two cues for a promo video for a student TV show. I've saved enough money to go white water rafting. I've joined a church and will be playing timpani with their choir at Sunday masses starting this fall. I've found a food kitchen where I can volunteer on weekends. I've asked my sister to send me the locked picture of a film she recently produced so I can use it for practice.

I'm a new person. I have energy, I have passion, I have drive. I'm not as scared anymore. I have more self confidence. I'm not worried about weight or what people think about me. I'm not freaking out about letting people hear my music. I'm not afraid of writing music. I'm not afraid of putting myself out there and staying true to myself and my music. A quote from one of my favorite movies (don't bash the movie if you know what it is) says "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game". I've embraced that. I know that I will be rejected. I know that I will be torn and hurt and bleeding on the inside. But that's part of the game. That's part of life. I can't let that keep me from going out and doing what I'm here to do.

So these ninety-three days. Has it been worth it? Yes. Am I lonely? Yes. Am I going to stay and keep pushing towards my dream? Most definitely.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

I miss you, my dear friends. I miss you.

Quote #3

If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music.

~Gustav Mahler

My Music

This passion I have inside of me is so strong. It fills every cell, every fiber. It makes me feel so alive. It makes by blood race through my veins. It makes my heart beat faster. It makes my stomach flip. It makes me close my eyes and let it's waves of beauty flow over me. It give me chills in my toes. It makes me move. It makes me stop. It makes me feel with all my senses. I feel it in my skin and in my blood. It overwhelms me. It directs me. This is beauty. This is passion. The sounds, the colors. The touches and smells. This is music. This is music as I know it.

Stardust

Score Review

The composer - Ilan Eshkeri

Ilan Eshkeri was born in London to a musical family and grew up playing violin and guitar. He majored in music and English literature at Leeds University where he created a great film score connection with Edward Shearmur. Here he was able to learn the technique of film composition first-hand from his new friend. After graduating, he went on to work with Michael Kamen and Hans Zimmer, furthering his craft with their guidance. Mr. Eshkeri believes that working with real musicians during the creative process results in an authentic performance filled with integrity. He believes that "if music is the soul of a movie then capturing an emotional performance is key to its success."

Ilan Eshkeri has written numerous film scores including Hannibal Rising, orchestrated scores like Open Range with renowned composers, and has worked as production assistant on The Count of Monte Cristo. He has also been nominated for World Soundtrack Academy awards and has received the Film Music Critics Award for "Breakthrough Composer" in 2007.

The movie - Directed by Matthew Vaughn

This movie has everything - comedy, romance, pirate fights, witchcraft, death, royalty, magic, and that happy ending everyone is always hoping for. The cast includes well-known actors like Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Ian McKellen as narrator, while bringing in some unknowns for the major roles. Claire Danes does a beautiful job as our fallen star, Yvaine, and Charlie Cox's youthful yet sincere performance makes every girl wish they had a Tristan Thorne in their life. But this movie is not just about getting the girl in the end, or living happily ever after. This is a story about a young man finding out who he is, learning what true friendship means, and realizing that life may not always end up how you planned it to be. It is about being true to yourself, showing kindness to others, staying open to suggestions, having courage, and never losing hope. This movie may be off the radar for a lot of people, but if you give it a try, you won't regret it.

The listening CD - Released by Decca Records

From its magical beginning filled with celesta, mark tree, violins, and horns with the melody, you know this is going to be a great CD. The opening track, "Prologue", gives us an idea of what we're in for. Not only does it include little hints of different themes, like the pizzicato violins that will later be known as part of Yvaine's theme, but it also shows us some incredible instrumentation, flowing melodies, exciting percussion, brilliant performances by the musicians, and harmonies that are not afraid of dissonance. These are just a few of the wonderful ingredients that make up this soundtrack. This score uses the standard orchestra plus some little additions like harp, piano, and voice. Some of the more hidden instruments also get to shine with bassoon, flute, and piano solos sprinkled throughout.

Ilan Eshkeri uses many smaller motifs to create this score and mixes and matches them to create an ever-changing and exciting soundtrack. One full piece on this CD is not an original Ilan Eshkeri and that is track fourteen, "Pirate Fight". "Pirate Fight" is actually a piece titled "Galop Infernal" (or, "Infernal Gallop") and it was written by Jacques Offenbach for his operetta Orpheus in the Underworld. It is more commonly known as the "Can-can" piece and creates a wonderful addition to this score. Antonin Dvorak's Slavonic Dances, opus 46, can be heard in track eleven. Track number six, "Yvaine", is filled with playful pizzicato depicting her innocent character and her relationship to Tristan. A little over halfway through the track, we hear the melody "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" with one slight variation. The melody opens with the perfect fifth interval that we expect, but changes the next interval to a minor second instead of a major second. This minor second motif can be heard numerous times throughout the soundtrack. The third track, "Tristan", has its own little theme that can be heard in a minor key in the beginnings of both "Shooting Star" and "Coronation". "Coronation" is a brilliant combination of Tristan's and Yvaine's themes with brass and strings giving us a wonderful feeling of satisfaction as it moves into the last track, "Epilogue", to finish it off with a sweet and happy ending.

Some of the music not on the CD includes a wonderful string piece at Tristan's place of work, Tristan's fight with the guard at The Wall, and the poisoning of Tertius. The CD has been beautifully edited to include every theme in the movie, but not too much of one or another in order to maintain interest throughout the CD. This CD has 21 tracks, in film order, and is just over 53 minutes long.

Track Number, Length, Title

1. 3:45, Prologue

2. 2:47, Snowdrop

3. 0:40, Tristan

4. 3:26, Shooting Star

5. 2:42, Three Witches

6. 2:48, Yvaine

7. 1:22, Septimus

8. 1:59, Creating the Inn

9. 8:04, Lamia's Inn

10. 1:27, Cap'n' Shakespeare

11. 3:42, Flying Vessel

12. 1:02, Cap'n's At The Helm

13. 2:05, Tristan & Yvaine

14. 2:04, Pirate Fight

15. 2:26, The Mouse

16. 3:58, Lamia's Lair

17. 1:42, Lamia's Doll

18. 1:09, Zombie Fight

19. 3:22, The Star Shines

20. 2:32, Coronation

21. 0:52, Epilogue

The score

This really is a beautiful score. Ilan Eshkeri does a wonderful job linking themes and bringing the right emotions out to complement the actions on screen. The playful pizzicato strings that are later used for Yvaine and Tristan's relationship can first be heard at our first glimpse over The Wall. Tristan's Mother, Una, always brings a sad note as the music plays a minor chord going down followed by a diminished seventh chord in the same direction. This is first heard when we see Una's chain of captivity, then again as Tristan reads her letter years later. As baby Tristan arrives on screen, we hear the first three notes of the "Tristan" theme but it changes and ends with the minor second motif we will later establish as Yvaine's "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" motif. We don't hear the full "Tristan" theme until he's grown up and heading out to win his true love (or so he thinks), Victoria. The second time he sets out to see Victoria, the "Tristan" motif is played but in inversion, telling us that this might not work out. Another beautiful setting of the "Tristan" theme is when the King of Stormhold takes off his ruby, but here the motif is in a minor key (this can be heard at the beginning of track four on the CD).

The spotting for this movie was done beautifully. There's not too much music and not too little. The music comes in at the right volume and it doesn't startle you when it's not supposed to. One sudden stop that was used to create a comedic atmosphere is just after Lamia heads out to find the fallen star. The shot moves to Tristan who has just found the star and complains that she is keeping him up at night. The music ends directly after Tristan's first line and is a wonderful example of how spotting is so essential to a good score.

Source music is used in this film in three instances and all three are on the pirate ship. The first is a very short, three-note piano solo, which is viewed on screen as Captain Shakespeare teaches our young friends how to play the piano. The second source is from a gramophone on the ship which plays Antonin Dvorak's Slavonic Dances, opus 46, while Captain Shakespeare and Yvaine dance. Both of these can be heard in the eleventh track on the CD. The third is also from an onscreen gramophone which plays, Jacques Offenbach's "Galop Infernal" (track fourteen on the CD).

There are many more things I could point out, like how the choir and arpeggiated strings are heard whenever Yvaine shines around Tristan, and I'm sure there are even more things I haven't even noticed. This intricate and wonderfully written score has a million gems to find and treasure and it brings the words and actions from screen to life.