My Life

I've just been reading over a few of my past blogs and have realized that quite a few of them are about trusting God and letting go. Even though it seems that I've learned this lesson over and over, I still somehow always find myself trying take the wheel while I sit in the passenger seat. I'm like one of those annoying back-seat drivers trying to tell God where to turn and when to slow down (or, more often, to speed up).

Two days ago, I was having a rough day. I was questioning the purpose of life. Why are we here? Is there really a point? I thought I was supposed to be married and writing breathtaking music around my rockin' awesome family by now. Is that ever going to happen? And, if not, then why am I here? I went to work that morning and my beautiful friend, Kristine, saw that I was having a rough day and asked if I wanted to eat lunch with her on the terrace. Come lunch time, we went down the steps and through the cafe to step into the glowing sunshine. We had barely sat down when she asked me, are you pro-life? Well, yeah, of course. Ok then, what is the value of life?

It was a question I wasn't expecting. We know it's wrong to kill, but why exactly? There's the obvious answer: because God told us not to. But past that, what really is the value of life? Is the value of life measured by success? Is it measured by failure? Is it measured by love, or hate? Is it measured by how many lives you touch, how many cities you've been to, or even how many breaths you take? Can you be good at life? Can you fail at life? No. To all of the above. The answer is much simpler than all that. The value of life is in the fact that God made it. He MADE it. He made you and me and all 6 billion people on earth. Sure, He made a lot of things. He created the mountains and the galaxies, too. But it's you and me that He loves and guides and carries through the life He gave us. Life is valuable because God lives inside us. Life is valuable because God loves us. And life is valuable because God died for us. We are here to love and be loved. We are here to live and work and follow Christ, wherever He might lead.

The next day, I received a phone call containing some very stressful news. I immediately reached out for that wheel, trying to turn into a different direction. I want to control this! I want to fix this! I went straight to Kristine and we went to the break room to talk and pray. The entire day was a blur. By the time I got in my car to drive home, I couldn't even remember being at work that day. But somewhere along the Diagonal Highway, I realized that I have to let go. We all have to let go. Didn't I just find that life is not measured by successes or failures? Didn't I just learn that life is valuable because God lives in us, and loves us and died for us? God MADE us. He's not going to let us fall.

Looking back over my life, I've done a lot of crazy and unplanned things. I bought a horse with barely any training and who hadn't been ridden in years when there were much better prospects out there for me to buy. She ended up winning Horse of the Month many times over at a therapeutic riding academy where she continues to help kids with disabilities learn to love. I up and moved to Disney World when I was 18 and discovered that the world is not such a scary place. I applied to only one undergraduate college simply because I didn't feel like taking the time to do the college search and it turns out it was the best place for me to be at that time. And the biggest jump of all, my move to Colorado. No friends, no family, no job, even my pets were left in KC. But when you follow God and let Him drive, He will guide you to a future you could not even imagine.

Life is valuable. All life is valuable. And even if I never end up writing breathtaking music or I never reach any of my goals, I know my life is still valuable and I will let God guide it to wherever I'm meant to be. Your life is valuable, too. And not because of your successes or failures, your joy or your scars. It is valuable because God made you and He loves you and He died for you. He will not let you fall. He values your life too much to let you fall.

My New Job

It's been almost six months since I've blogged and many, many things have happened. My second summer in Colorado was not as good as the first. I started to feel lonely and stopped enjoying my solitary hikes. I love seeing the beautiful scenery around me, but hiking up a mountain for four hours by yourself is rather boring. There's noone around to say, Hey, look at that flower! or, Man, this is steep! I only went hiking a couple times this summer and gave it up pretty early. Most of my summer was spent hating my job. I had the most unbelievably draining job and hated every second I had to be there. There were some perks, like how it was only half a mile from my apartment, how I could bring Frodo (my pug) to work with me, and my one co-worker, Jill. But the pay was barely enough to scrape by on, it didn't offer health insurance or hardly any vacation or sick time, and my boss was the most controlling, paranoid, egotistical and self-absorbed micro-manager you could ever imagine.

When my mom came to visit me in June, she said she was not leaving until I had a new job. So, while I was at work, she was on the web searching for new opportunities for me. She found a job opening at the University of Colorado at Boulder in the Law School. It was an administrative assistant position with complete benefits and about $5/hr more than I was making. I quickly applied and immediately started praying. Universities work very slowly, but a few weeks later, I got the email to come in for a computer test. The email said the test was over Word, Excel, administrative skills, and receptionist skills. It also said that the applicants with the top three scores from this test were the ones who would be interviewed. In the two days before the test, I sat on youtube and watched over 7 hours of tutorials over Word and Excel. I was not about to let a little test stand in my way of working at CU. A couple weeks after the test, I got the email that said not only did I make the top 3, but I received the top score of all the applicants. Four interviews later, I got the job.

I currently have the most incredible office job imaginable in a beautiful building with a view of the mountains from my desk. The people I work with are the most wonderful, happy and grateful people I've ever worked with. If I send an email to my boss telling him that some regular, daily task has been done, he always takes the time to write back and say, "Thanks, Annie! You're the best!" One time when I finished a report for him, I set it on his chair because he wasn't there. When he came back into his office, he saw the report and immediately left to come find me and give me a high-five. Everyone in the office is like this. The students are wonderful too. A little nervous these days because finals are coming up, but so happy we're here and grateful for what we do for them. On top of that, I've made new friends. Cynthia and Diane are the hysterical and fun Faculty Assistants I sometimes have lunch with. Kristine is another administrative assistant that I have come to love. We've gone to concerts together, dinner together, and I'll be going to her birthday party later today. Holly is one of the student Research Assistants I supervise and we have become inseparable. This job has also given me the opportunity to take up composition lessons again, something I couldn't afford with my old job. I can't tell you how incredible it is to work in such a safe and loving environment. But to have all that plus more pay, more benefits, and more friends? It is truly a God-send.

I am very happy with this new beginning, this new change in my life. It was scary at first. Yes, I hated my old job and it was draining every ounce of happiness out of my life. But again, it was something I was used to. I knew what every day would bring, there were no surprises to be had. Trying to get a job that was so highly competitive was something I'd never done before. I was afraid that once I got there, people would think, Oh, she's not what we were expecting. I was afraid my inexperience would come through. Not only do I know nothing about law or law school, but I am also the youngest full-time staff member in the building. But it turns out, they knew all about that and hired me anyways. They knew there would be some extra training time for someone who didn't know the difference between the appellate and supreme courts. Or who didn't know the different practice areas you could study or work in (who knew there was such a thing as space law?!) But as I headed off to my first day I did the same thing I did for each interview and every test. I said my own version of the Our Father. It goes like this: Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, Thy will be done, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven... Getting that perfect job or finding a new best friend are some of the many, many, many things that are out of our control. It's scary to be in that situation. But the best thing you can do, and really the only thing you can do, is trust God. He is the one holding each and every one of us in the palm of His hand. He won't let us fall. He knows our hearts and our desires and our pain more intimately than you could ever imagine. He knows the plans He has for everyone. And sometimes you have to go through the fire so that He can mold you into the person you need to be for the next step. You just have to let Him show you the way. When it's out of your hands, all you have to do is just let go and God will always be there to guide you. Look what He did for me. He gave me friendship, love, happiness, music, and passion. He can do that for you too.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My Mother

When I look back over my past few weekends, what I mostly see are images of people. Lots of people. About three to four thousand people to be be more precise. These are the people who go to mass at St. John's. Lately I have been going to all five masses throughout weekend. Not because I'm a saint, but because it's my second job. I'm putting my degree to good use by running the sound for each mass. The best part is that the console is in the balcony. This means that four of the five masses, I sit up in the choir loft in a dark little corner by myself and basically, watch. I watch the kids secretly coloring in the cracks in the pews, or the wife elbowing her snoozing husband. I started working there Palm Sunday but even before then I was up there for at least one mass a weekend singing in choir and playing the timpani. I've been to all the special masses like Christmas and Easter Vigils, or confirmation last night. But today, out of all the masses I've been to in the past nine months, something was different.

Today, almost everyone was on time, and almost everyone came to mass. Standing room only for 8:30 and 10:30. Even 7:00 was more crowded than usual. Today they did the kids liturgy of the word at two masses because there were just so many kids there. But also, everyone was dressed up. Even more so than Easter I'd bet. And on top of that, everyone was on their best behavior. No kids screaming, no one falling asleep, no one sticking gum under the pews.

This, to me, was one of the greatest examples of how important our mothers are. Now, I know that mothers can be annoying at times. Especially when you're young and you want to do is play in the dirt all day. But our mothers taught us many things.

Mothers are the ones who taught us to brush our teeth every morning along with many other hygienal necessities. (And yes, I realize that hygienal is not a word but that is one thing my mother never taught me. Although, I'm not sure the word hygienal ever came up during my childhood...)

Mothers are the ones who taught us to cook and clean and to take care of ourselves and others.

Mothers are the ones who taught us to respect others and to help those in need.

But mothers are also the ones who taught us to love.

Now, I'm not saying that dads don't teach us to love as well, but there's something about a mother's love that makes it seem so endless. This is the reason why mass was different than normal. These families all knew that going to mass and being good was something their mothers wanted. And because they know how much their mother loves them, they were determined to make this day everything she wanted, to show their love in return.

I'm sorry for those who don't have a mother, or those whose mother was not what she was supposed to be. I'm sorry for those who don't know what it's like to have a mother's love and to feel it with you wherever you go. I am grateful that I did have a wonderful mother. One who was caring and thoughtful, kind and loving. I wish I could be with her today to let her know that she did good, raising me. That I try to remember what she's taught me and that I will keep learning from her for the rest of my life. And I know she'll always be there when I need her help or even just a shoulder to cry on.

A mother's love knows no bounds. It molds us in to who we become. It encourages us to be the best we can be, it lifts us up when we've fallen.

I love you, mom. Happy Mother's Day.

My Story

I watched a movie tonight: It's Kind of a Funny Story. Yes, that's the title. It's a movie about this sixteen year old kid who discovers he is suicidal and commits himself to a mental hospital. It's a movie about learning to accept yourself for who you are, and not be afraid of your scars. I watched this movie tonight and I learned a few things about myself in the process.

One, I know I'm not perfect and I'm going to screw up.

Two, I will get depressed sometimes and I will always have regrets.

Three, I don't have to let these facts hold me down.

I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me. When I screw up, I just need to accept it and move on. I can't let my fears and my scars and my past mistakes (and future mistakes) commit myself to my own personal ward. I need to break free and accept my human imperfections and my OCD/perfectionist tendencies as one part of myself.

There were a couple more things I learned from this movie.

One, I am talented and unique.

Two, I have family and friends who love me and support me.

Three, I can let loose, read, skip, laugh, breathe, and live.

Don't let your mistakes or your fears hold you down. Life is worth living. It really is.

Live the life you have imagined. ~ Henry David Thoreau

My Year's End

Christmas is just around the corner. The new year will follow soon after. 2010 is quietly coming to a close. It was an interesting year. Somehow, it was one my most difficult years but also one of the most rewarding.

Many lonely nights I sat in my car trying to convince myself that driving home is not the right answer. Moving away from everyone I know. What was I thinking? It doesn't make sense really, what I did. I left everything. My family, my friends, my support group, my job, my teachers, my sister's home-cooked meals, and even my parent's Wii. It was all left behind so that I could, what? Eat mac n' cheese every night and live in a shoe box? No. It was left because it was my cushion. It was my comfort zone. Having all those things created this buffer around me so that I never had to think about anything. I never had to figure out who I really was. I moved here to tear off the mask and look in the mirror. It's the scariest thing I've ever done, but I would never grow without coming to grips with that stark reality. This is me. This is me. Oh my goodness, this is ME! I'm awkward and clumsy but I'm also talented and driven. I'm not afraid of who I am. I'm not afraid of who I could be, or who I will be. The future is vast and unimaginable. Full of choices and possibilities; full of failures and triumphs. But now I'm not so afraid of the failures that I'll ignore the possibilities. I'm not afraid of putting my soul on paper for fear that someone will reject me. Of course I'll be rejected. But not by every one. Not every time. And I know now that it will always be worth it to put yourself out there instead of hiding in a corner, afraid of what people might think. Scaring yourself into being someone you're not.

2010. It was a year for facing fears and for new beginnings. It was, overall, a year for going to the world and saying, here I am. Take it or take it because that's your only option.

Merry Christmas, my dear friends. Merry Christmas.

My Opportunities

A few months ago, I went to a church picnic. I was still trying to find the right church for me and was checking out different churches around town. Another Sunday rolled around and I went to this new church. New to me anyways, they happened to be celebrating their 128th anniversary that day. I heard there was free food at the celebration and I NEVER pass up free food so away I go to join in the party. They have this little information booth where you can enter a free raffle for a iPod or something (it seems like all raffles these days are for iPods). I start talking to the guy running the raffle and tell him I'm new to the area and am interested in joining this church. I ask him what kind of programs they have here and he directs me to Maggie, the choir director. I hadn't told the raffle guy that I was a musician, but this is the person he introduces me to. She asks me if I'm musical. I say, "Well yes, I'm a percussionist." At this point she starts screaming and hugging me and jumping up and down in circles. (Not exactly the reaction I was expecting.) It turns out the church owns a pair of timpani and they've been looking for a timpanist for almost two years. In that instant, I became a member of the church, a member of the choir, and their own personal timpanist.

So I bust out my practice pad and start going to choir rehearsals. During my second or third rehearsal, a fellow alto tells me that our pianist is a composer. But not just any composer, he was absent from rehearsal that night because he was rehearsing his new musical at one of Denver's most prominent performing arts theaters. So I build up some courage and catch him after one of our rehearsals. I start with, "I hear you're a composer." "Yeah." . . . Ok, now what? I'm totally fumbling the ball here. Just pick it up and run! "Uh, I kinda compose too sometimes..." Eventually I'm able to spit out that I would like him to look at my score and give me feedback. Of course he's a swell guy and is not nearly as nervous as I am and is happy to look at it.

Tonight I went to my favorite park to finish one of my favorite books: The Complete Guide to Film Scoring by Fred Davis. I read about three pages and suddenly, mixed in with the other joggers and dog walkers, there's this guy sitting on a park bench playing the congas. I start wondering if I should go talk to him. I mean, obviously he has his own congas so he's probably connected to some other musicians. Maybe he could be a connection. But seriously? You want to walk up to a stranger on a park bench and just strike up a conversation with him? Yeah, not really. But I decide that if he's still there by the time I finish my book, then I'll go talk to him. This was a favorable agreement. I had thirty pages left to my book and as my sister will tell you, I am a VERY slow reader. There was no way he would still be there. But once I get down to ten pages left I start counting down each page. Eight pages. He's still here? Six... Five... Oh my gosh he's still here. Three... Two... I give up. I read the last page, put my shoes back on and walk directly toward him.

"Having fun?" I ask. "Yeah, yeah" he replies with an accent that reminds me of the Jamaican Boblsed Team. I continue to shock myself by sitting on the bench next to him. I tell him I'm a percussionist too. He asks me where I play. I told him I'm not really playing right now (except for timpani in church) but that I'm actually working on becoming a composer. I hold up my book so he can see the front cover. His voice goes up an few octaves as he starts yelling "No way!" Again, not quite the reaction I was expecting. But, as before, there's a reason for the excitement. He's a film maker.

Every man is the architect of his own future. Go out and build yours.

Quote #5

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley