Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My Excuses

Snow fell all night and all day. By late afternoon the snow had turned to rain, wiping away all whiteness. My day started off well. I got up, did my banking, paid my bills, backed up my computer, and headed to work in the wintry wetness. No time for a lunch break makes for a long day, but I got through it well enough. I walked the third mile to my car in the rain, wondering if it might be worth buying a parking pass one of these days. After I'd finished waiting for my car to warm up on this third day in April, I headed to the nearest Apple store to surrender my Mac Book Pro to those people in blue shirts they call Geniuses. I must admit, they are pretty genius when it comes to Macs, but I had no need to test their capabilities today; I knew exactly what I was coming for. My CD drive has been broken for quite a while now and it's about time I got it replaced. Oh, the joys of being out of warranty. But even with that obstacle, I couldn't put it off anymore. You see, I really need Logic Pro on my computer. I got Logic Pro as a Christmas present a few years ago (thanks, Mom and Dad) and although I installed it right away, I took it off a while back just to free up some space (47 gigs of space) on my computer. I didn't realize at the time that my CD drive would not let me install it again. My Dad recently wrote a workbook that comes with a CD of guided meditations and he asked me to write the accompanying meditation music. He finished the book five weeks ago, sent me the guided meditations three months ago, and now he wants to publish it. I don't want to hold him back so, hence the immediate necessity of having a working CD drive. Hungry and computerless, I came home from the Apple store (where they have shockingly few apples) and forced myself to go for a run. It's been five days since I've run and, boy, could I feel it. So I came home, had dinner and thought to myself "Let's see. I've backed up my computer, gone to work, sent my computer to be fixed, gone for a run, eaten plenty of tortellini Alfredo to counteract said run... All in all I've had a pretty good day. What should I do next?" I decided to continue my spurt of productivity by watching How To Train Your Dragon. It may not seem like a productive thing to do, but, for me it is. Even though it's been on my list of scores to review for quite a while, I hadn't seen the movie yet. I bought the DVD two weeks ago so that I could start the review process but I hadn't even taken off the wrapping. With my cat curled up in my lap, I sat there, glued to the screen. When the film came to a close, when the boy and his dragon soared up into the sky, I nearly cried. Not because the movie was that good, but because the music was. I sat there, scared into silence as the credits rolled by and thought, who do I think I am? Who am I to even review a score like this, let alone write one someday? I got up, took a shower and started to head to bed; the entire time thinking about that movie. Not only was the music good, but the script, the dialogue, the characters, everything was so well done. I started to think that maybe I could just be in one of those smaller roles like Mix Assistant or Assistant Music Editor but even that sounded daunting. What am I doing? Wait, what AM I doing? Nothing. Well, at least, mostly nothing.

A few of the students at the law school have been saying that they're not even going to apply for their dream job because it's so unlikely that they'll get it. I tell them that they're ruining ALL chance of getting that job if the don't apply for it. If they just apply, that opens up A chance. No matter how small, it's still worth it. I need to tell myself the same thing. I will never work with film scores if I don't apply myself. It's that simple. Practicing, studying, writing. Every week, every day. It's worth it just to open up that chance, that small possibility of getting there one day. How long have I put off writing? Yes, I've gotten better since I moved here, but it's still nowhere near enough. I've had my Dad's meditations for months and have finished one. One out of ten. I couldn't even get myself to watch the movie I wanted to study for two weeks. I'm too tired. I have too much to do. Watching Psych or Criminal Minds is more fun than studying and paying attention. I'm not even sure which project I should work on right now. I'm just not in the mood.

No more excuses. If I want this, even if all I want is the possibility, then it's worth it. It's always worth it.

"Try not. Do, or do not."