Sunday, January 12, 2014

My Happiness

Do you ever wonder why you're here? Why you're going through each day just to get to the next one? I grew up with all these big dreams and goals and I have accomplished none of them. Realizing this, I just have to wonder, should I keep pursuing these? Should I continue to have these dreams and goals? Or, should I just continue through this life day by day until I finally die and it's all over? What would it really change if I accomplish these goals, though? Is it just something to check off the list? Do I think that by accomplishing a goal that people will think I'm cool, or even just worth something? Or is it that I feel like I'm not worth anything because I haven't reached any of my goals?

I keep saying that I want to work with film scoring, but do I really? Is that just something that I've held on to because I can't imagine not having a dream? Because I can't imagine being happy with a lifelong career as an administrative assistant? Will being a score composer make me happy? No. Happiness, supposedly, comes from within. But then how do you get it? How do you find it, grasp it, and hold on to it? It's not something tangible that I can purchase or carry. It's inside me. Somewhere.

I lost my happiness in the past year or so. I posted a blog about how bad 2012 was, but 2013 topped that one by a long shot. Four deaths in the family and two family friends, continued stress for one sister, and heartbreak for another, working so much overtime that I began to get burned out, plus financial stress on my parents that had me saving money every month incase I needed to pay their mortgage. But these external events shouldn't really affect my happiness that much, should they? After a horrible week at work last week including one 17 hour day, two 13 hour days, and working on Sunday, I left on Friday night feeling like I'd let the entire world down. I felt that I just couldn't work enough to keep the office running smoothly. Everyone had to work so hard during our day-long event on Friday and I felt terrible that everyone else was so exhausted when it was over. I felt that I had not done enough, that I should have been more organized, worked more hours, and made it so that my co-workers didn't have to work so hard. Not only that, but the event was the same day as my Grandmother's funeral, which I was missing because I had to work. So, after everything that happened in the past year, this past week just topped it off. By the time I got home on Friday night, I felt like such a failure that I lost the will to live.

Luckily, I have friends close by who reminded me that there are people in the world who know me and still love me. Who think that I'm worth much more than I'll ever believe. But in the aftermath of this episode, I'm just wondering what I'm doing here. Am I here to help the people around me? Am I here to become a great film composer? Am I here to just go through the motions until it's all over? I don't know. I don't know the answers to these questions. But I do know some things. I know that there are people who love me and there are people that I love. I know that there is happiness and joy inside me. And, I know that there are some things that bring this happiness out. Playing tennis, Skyping with family and friends, listening to great scores, watching movies with great scores, helping others, traveling, and reading are just a few. I don't know if I should pursue music anymore. I don't know if I want to stay in Colorado. But, until I can figure those out, I just need to keep going and keep doing the things that bring out the happiness that is inside myself. I need to be a good friend, sister, and daughter, and be the me that everyone loves. I need to continue on this path called life and do the best I can with the obstacles along the path. There will always be these external events and trials that will wear me down. But life is worth living and sometimes you just have to remind yourself of that.

After going to my Grandfather's funeral last year, I learned how many people he touched. He never did anything great or really newsworthy, but to the people around him, he was everything. He was a rock to hold on to, a helper, a friend, a light in their lives that was filled with laughter and love. I lost three grandparents last year and each one of them will be missed by many, many people. Not because they did anything extraordinary, but because they lived their lives with happiness, patience, and love.

Most people never accomplish anything great. But that doesn't mean they're not great people. Life is tricky. Life is messy. But amidst the chaos, we can find love. We can find happiness. We can find light. We just need to be willing to look for it, even create it, and take charge of it.

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
-Martha Washington

If you want to be happy, be.
-Leo Tolstoy